Survivor 1

Shots of a lush rainforest with monkeys howling in the trees, birds flying about, and a tiger peeking out of the brush are shown, as a middle-aged man wearing a blue polo shirt and a baseball cap stands in the middle of a grassland. "Hey, this is Jeff Probst, and I'm at one of the most beautiful and remote locations in the world... India!" he says. "The perfect place to drop 16 random Americans, and have them compete in the newest money-making sch-- I mean, season of Survivor. These contestants will be split into two teams, and there will be eventually a merge, forcing them to fight for themselves in challenges for rewards and immunity. This season, there will be no crappy gimmicks. There will be a hidden immunity idol located somewhere at each camp, and the person who finds it will find themselves with an advantage in the game. The contestants will all have to fight for themselves, enduring f**kingrayne, savage animals, and of course, each other. Eventually, only one person will be left, and they will be crowned the Sole Survivor, and win a fantastic prize of one million dollars. This is... Survivor: India! 39 days! 18 people! 1... Survivor!"

(cue theme song)

Sixteen people, eight men and eight women, are shown walking through the grasslands of India up to Jeff Probst, who's standing in front of two mats colored green and orange, with matching colored flags.

"I'm really happy to be here," says a woman with medium-length brown hair, in a confessional. "I feel like if I don't piss people off, and just float around, I'll get far. They look nice so far."

"Obviously, I'm analyzing these people," says a man with a detective look. "There's the troublemaker, or the man with the blazer and skinny jeans. He will be trouble! Hmhmhmhm."

"Welcome to Survivor: India!" says Probst. "OK, let's get started. You have already been divided into two tribes. First, I need you to each state your name, and your occupation. If you don't have one... Make something up, I don't know. OK, let's start with the first team, with green buffs. You guys will be known as Hathi. Here are your buffs." He tosses them buffs, and the man on the far left introduces himself. "Big, bearded guy, what's your name?"

"Hello," he says. "I'm the big bearded guy, obviously. I am Nick Moritz, and I'm a cheerleader and, uh, I used to be a camp counselor.." Some quiet snickers are heard, and Nick looks around suspiciously.

Nick is shown in the jungle, in the first confessional of the season. "Yep. I'm a cheerleader. I have a girlfriend, so to all you ladies out there, sorry. Or not. I'm gonna try to not be the kiddie appeal character, like the guy who all the little kids see and are like 'Hey, mommy, it's that guy' and try to make me sign their diapers or take ugly fake-smiling pictures or whatever. I'm gonna be lazy or hard-working, I'm gonna be nice or mean, I'll do whatever it takes to win that money."

"Heyyy," says a flamboyant-looking man wearing eye shadow, extremely skinny gray jeans, and a suit top. "I'm Greg Lambert, please call me Lambert, and I'm a hairdresser."

"Hey, everyone, I'm Aubrey, and I'm a model for Hot Topic, and a student," says a hipster-ish girl wearing a gray shirt with an owl on it, Converse high-tops, and a bird necklace.

Aubrey is shown in a confessional. "Being the only open lesbian on the season, I don't know how things will go... I mean, I guess I'm pretty camp, so it's not gonna be too hard for them to figure out, hehe. I just don't want people to be like 'oh, she's lesbian, let's get her out'."

"My name's Eddie, I'm 21 years old and I work as a male model and electronics associate," says a ginger who has a lumberjack shirt on. "Girls, I know you want some of this, but you'll have to wait."

"I'M EVIE," yells another girl loudly, this one is Hispanic, deeply tanned, short, and wearing blue and gray. "I'm a college student. Cool to see you guys, I guess."

"'Ello. I am Ahmad Aksaljalksjad," says an old Indian man with a thick mustache. "I am very amazing at art of substitute teaching, yeees."

Evie says in a confessional, "OK, I hate that guy. He smells like @#$%, and he seems obnoxious already. He's on mah team, and if he acts all annoying and crap, I'll slap him silly until he S-T-F-Us."

"Hi, everyone. I'm Marilyn Crowley," says a tall woman with brown hair. "Not related to Bob. I swear, don't even get me f**king started. I work as a bartender."

"Yello," says an old woman. "My name is Gertrude Flabberman. I'm retired, but used to be a dentist. I'm now a wilderness explorer!" Marilyn rolls her eyes.

"And, the orange team," says Jeff. "You guys will be known as Bandara. Here are your buffs!" He tosses them buffs. "Now, let's start with the guy with the blue hair."

"Greetings. My name is Pennington Schmidt. That is not my real surname, but rather a secret identity, so I don't divulge my true one," says the guy, who's a small, frumpy-looking guy with dyed blue hair and a trenchcoat. "I'm a detective."

"I am Boris," says a morbidly obese man who looks like he's three times the size of Evie. He's wearing an oversized My Little Pony shirt and has thick glasses on. "I work at a... comic book store."

Boris is shown in a confessional. His job caption says '???'. "You know, I don't actually have a job. I live in my parents' basement with my cats, Winky, Blinky, and Fat Steve, and spend all my time trolling around on hi-technicaaaal forums and chat sites. I don't think I've been outside in months. But, obviously I had to make something up, I didn't want to be humiliated. The only thing that could possibly make it worse if someone actually worked at a comic book store."

"Yo, what's up, everyone?" says an African-American man with a deep voice, black sweatshirt, and visible boxers that resemble those of a Total Drama contestant. "My name's Napoleon, and I do computer stuff."

"Old, Santa-ish guy?" says Probst.

"Well, hello, Jeffrey. My name is David C. Chapman, I am 63 years old and I work as a science teacher for a high school. I have been working in science for about forty years, and my main interests are biology, physical science, and advanced earth science. You know, India is definitely an interesting location for you to pursue a Survivor season. I am looking forward to the many forms of wildlife we'll be able to see in the wild, especially whales," says the guy.

"Hiii," says a young-ish woman with dark blonde hair, and wearing a leopard print with a jacket over it. "My name's Natalie. I like it here, bunch of cute guys. I'm a lawyer, by the way." She giggles.

"Oh, looks like we have our Parvati expy of the season," says a voice next to Natalie.

"Well, who are you? I bet you're a pharmaceutical sales rep," scoffs Natalie.

"Uh, I actually am," says the woman, who has a flower print shirt, pink eye shadow and dyed gray hair. "My name is Whitney."

"Yeah, that's such an original job," says Natalie rudely. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen someone on Survivor who works in pharmaceutical sales before. You're so different. I can't believe it."

"You're one to talk. How many Natalies have there been on Survivor? Like fifty million?" says Whitney. "Moron."

"Drama!" says Lambert flamboyantly, as he makes jazz hands.

"I'm Ludia," says a short black woman. "I do lots of stuff. Kind of a floater." She laughs. "Yeah, I'm a medical student, mostly, play poker once in a while, too."

"Hey, I'm genericblonde, and I'm a swimsuit model," says a generic-looking blonde. Eddie, while staring at her, makes an obnoxious gesture with his mouth.

"All right," says Jeff. "Now, there's one more thing. Your tribes are not complete just yet. Two more people will be joining you in this game. Let's bring them in!" The contestants' faces turn to shock.

"Wonder who it's gonna be?" Marilyn mutters. "Probably a Hantz. Wouldn't be surprised." Evie groans at the mention of the name 'Hantz'.

"Returnees? Are you kidding me? Those poison the game," Eddie scoffs.

A large white helicopter is shown in the air, slowly moving towards the other contestants. "Well, this is certainly an interesting experience," says Chappy. The helicopter gets slower, and lands in front of the contestants, brushing around dust. The door slowly opens, and a young woman gets out of the helicopter. She has long, wavy brown hair, and is wearing a pink bikini and light blue shorts.

"Oh my god, is that Eliza?" says Boris. "Nerrrr. I loved Eliza, she was so se-- cool. Yep, really strategic. Cool."

Following Eliza, a young man gets out of the helicopter. Jeff's face quickly turns from indifferent to a grin. This one has long brown hair that's flowing around in the wind, a wispy and unappealing mustache, and beach clothes on. Him and Eliza walk towards the other contestants enthusiastically.

Lambert is shown in a confessional, talking while some contestants are clapping at the sight of Eliza and Jason, and some are standing there with blank expressions on their faces. "Soooo, we see the helicopter coming in, and then Eliza comes out. Now, I love Eliza. This is her third time playing, and she was sooo hilarious, omgee. Then I see Jason. That guy was so ho-- I mean, stupid. Omigod, I just hope he's not on my team. Or that he developed some brain cells. Either would be coool."

"Nice welcome?" asks Jeff. Eliza nods. "Yeah, I'm really excited to play again," says Jason.

"First of all, before we get started, you will be picking your teams," Jeff says. "Each of you, pick a buff from this bag. Don't unwrap it yet." He hands the bag to Jason, and Jason picks a buff, then Jason passes it to Eliza, and Eliza gets the other buff. "All right," says Jeff. "3... 2... 1... open."

Eliza holds up her green buff, and Jason holds up his orange buff. "Eliza becomes a member of Hathi, go join your team!" says Jeff. Eliza walks over to her team, and hugs the ones who seem enthusiastic. "Jason joins Bandara! Go join your team." Jason calmly walks over to his new team, who gives him a high five.

Jeff tosses the two returning players maps. "These are maps to your new campsites, head out. You'll find a bag of rice there, along with some random camp necessities - barely anything - and you'll compete in your first challenge soon. See you guys soon!" The teams head out.

Hathi - Day 1

The green team heads to their new campsite, and they approach a grove of trees with a decent-sized lake and a green camp flag. "Sooo, I guess this is our new home!" Lambert says.

"I'm tired. Later, dudes," Nick says. He plops down onto the ground and begins to take a nap.

"...What?" Eddie says angrily. "No. Get your lazy ass off the ground. What if we wanted to build a shelter there?"

"We have so many places that a shelter could be built," Nick responds. "Plus, I'm tired as heck."

"Actually, I like the sleeping idea," Marilyn says. "Simmer down, Edwin. Let's just make the shelter somewhere else."

Eliza looks on at the two arguing men and Marilyn, and says in a confessional, "So, we get to the campsite, and immediately, these two guys start to argue about the most pointless thing. The redhead already strikes me as a rude guy, but the other one - Nick, I believe - is being unreasonable, and as I've learned in Micronesia," she laughs nervously, "that's basically digging your own grave."

Eliza approaches Aubrey and Lambert, who are grabbing stuff for the shelter while discussing hair products. "Hi," she says. "So, I didn't know if you guys wanted to align or anything? Some of the other guys kind of strike me as... hard to get along with."

"Yeah, of course," Aubrey says. "I know it's really early and we shouldn't talk about strategy, buuut... Yeah. Perfect."

Aubrey says in a confessional, "I think Eliza is a really cool girl. She was pretty successful back in her old seasons, but I feel like if she aligns with me and Lambert, we can have a great alliance. That, and I think Lambert is gay, so that makes me connect with him."

Gertrude runs up to Ahmad, who is attempting to build a shelter by throwing sticks into a pile and putting leaves on top of the pile. "Hi. Ahmad, right? As I was gonna say, that's not the best way to build a shelter. You wanna turn it into a house-like thing, sweetie."

"NO!" yells Ahmad. "SEET DUWN NUW! GU GET BEENS! I'M HUNGRIII FOR FOOD!"

"...What?" Gertrude says, in shock. "No, no, sonny. We're saving the beans for later." She then turns around, and looks at Evie, Marilyn, and a sleeping Nick, who are boiling the beans on the pot. Evie waves, and says, "'Ey! We're eatin'. Wanna join us?"

Gertrude is shown in a confessional. "This team... We've got a lotta characters. It's obviously not smart to eat the beans this second, but I'll let them do what they gotta do. Nick's gonna be a pain, but I just have to get used to it. Heck, as long as he's decent in challenges..." She guffaws loudly. "Okay," says Evie to Marilyn and Nick. "You guys... Are you... like, mentally stable?"

"I like to think so," says Nick, who yawns and wakes up. "Why? You in need of an alliance? I'll do it."

"Ugh, I hate strategy-talk," says Marilyn, who's running a stick through her hair like a brush. "Can't we all just get along and try to destroy the other tribe in challenges?"

"NO!" says Evie. "Gurl, you better not be like that or we will have some SERIOUS issues. You hear? Anyway, we should take out that Ahmad guy, or whatever the @#$% his name is. He's an ass."

Eliza Evie Nick Marilyn Bruno'scharacter Eddie Ahmad Aubrey Lambert

Pennington Boris Jason Napoleon Chappy Whitney Natalie Generic blonde Ludia